doyan ngawang

"saya nggak tau saya kenapa, semacam stres ato depresi ato frustasi mungkin? saya juga nggak tau. saya nggak bisa bener-bener deskripsiin apa yang saya rasain sekarang. complicated lah. tapi serius rasanya hampa banget. asli. rasanya tuh ada yang ilang, tapi kalo ditanya -apaan yang ilang- jawabannya, saya juga nggak tau. rasanya saya lagi down, tapi ya nggak down, yaapa ya, semacam ngawang entahlah. saya rasanya tuh pengen marah sama diri sendiri, soalnya nggak becus ngelakuin apa-apa. rasanya tuh pengen teriak ke diri sendiri 'he kon iku opoo se, ngene ae gak isok' sumpah. rasanya semacam kecewa gitu sama diri sendiri. rasanya saya itu bukan apa yang saya harapkan. katanya sih -nggak semua harapan harus tercapai- tapi pernah nggak sih tau rasanya dikecewain sama diri sendiri? biasanya sih yang ngecewain orang lain. lah kalo udah diri sendiri kayak gini lain lagi ceritanya. entahlah saya juga bingung. sekolah makin gila, rasanya kayak luelah, cuape, mau berenti, ngga kuat. tapi I have no choice kalo nggak terus ngadepin idup. katanya - ya itulah hidup - well, jadi gini ta, life's cruel ya hahaha. at least, saya masih beruntung, alhamdulilah. kayaknya kejiwaan saya terganggu deh ._. masak ya saya gila? -_- halah gatau deh, doain aja saya kuat ngadepin idup....."

just read that in this blog and that post is hit me like a lot because it is totally right to describe how i feel lately. i want to share my weird feeling several weeks ago but i cant think a single word or many words that can describe my feeling. then i read that post and think that i am currently in feeling when nobody can understand me even myself. it feels so wrong, empty, and sometimes lonely. well, i like being alone but this alone feeling is kinda you are in crowded place but feeling alone. that alone. and empty. so pathetic, poor me. and oh i like the word "ngawang", that floating feeling haha. currently in love with "demen ngawang" words.

i thought, listening to music with post-rock genre can make me feel better but i completely wrong, because post-rock music make my feeling muccchh morreeeee "ngawang" than beforeee. uuuhhgggg out of topic, sorry for my bad english.